Getting beyond Struggles in A
Marriage
Every married couple fights.
Despite the warm and fuzzy love-you-forever feeling of your wedding day,
eventually the socks on the 
floor, mounting bills, and insane work hours take
their toll. Since a small argument can quickly
escalate into a mud slinging fight, it is imperative that you learn to resolve
the conflict before it gets out of hand. While
fighting in a marriage is inevitable, a marriage is also worth fighting for.
Hence, a little humility and gentleness and learning to give in will keep your
marriage going through the turbulent years.
A great way to diffuse any argument is to
step away from the situation for a bit. You may need time to calm down
and clear your head. When you know that there is
no meeting ground in a particular argument and the fight is taking an ugly
turn, take a break and spend time in some activity that relaxes you.
Taking a brisk walk down the road or strumming on the guitar may help soothe
your ruffled nerves. After you have your emotions under control, try to analyze
your spouse's stance on the subject.
There is always a bigger and smaller issue
in every fight. You need to address both these issues to put this
argument behind you forever. While your spouse
might appear to be upset about your recent absence at your child’s recital, the
bigger reason behind the blowout might be your recurring absence at similar
family events, indicating an apparent lack of interest in the family as a
whole. Fights over too much overtime at
work could also be because you are not compensating it with enough attention to
your spouse. Often this causes your spouse to think that you are no longer
interested in the marriage.
It is important to scratch the surface of
the argument to see what is below, actually causing the anger.
This often requires a focused study of the patterns of the past. What triggers
such bitter battles? When emotions are not as
high, both of you should look at the recurring themes of your fights and
discover the underlying issue.
When you have both had a chance to cool
down, return to your spouse humbly to apologize. Apologize for your words and actions, and do not try to score another
point by again referring to your spouse's responsibility in the disagreement.
Give up on your need to be right or to win.
The only way there will be a winner is if the
two of you make up and the marriage lives to see another day.
Forgive and forget. That should be your motto.
Let go of the issue completely, even if part of you wants to get back at your
spouse. If you do not really forgive your spouse, you will continue to harbor
resentment and will never be truly content. Accept
the imperfections in your spouse, just as you expect your spouse to love you as
you are.
When the argument is over, do not bring it up
again. If you do, you will show your spouse that you really haven't
forgiven him or her and your relationship will suffer greatly.
To help each other and to work on your marriage, analyze your individual
reactions to a fight. Determine what the rules should be and make sure each
person has some input. For instance, it is natural during an argument to let
the anger get the better of you and cause you to disregard your spouse's
feelings. Holding hands while you argue reminds both of you that you love each
other and should be working toward a stronger mutually beneficial relationship
rather than toward having your own desires fulfilled. Some of the rules may be
that you won't call each other names, you will talk in a reasonable tone, and
you won't deviate from the topic at hand.
Once you are done with the argument, spending
some quality time with each other will help heal any simmering emotions.
This ensures your partner that your love is
strong enough to survive a momentary spat.
Arguments happen. It's the way things are. It
is crucial for the strength of the marriage to focus on disagreeing in a
healthy manner that will bring you closer together as a couple. If you
develop a loving, constructive way of discussing your disagreements, you will
have a wonderful life together.
